Celebrating 2022 International Women’s Day themed #breakthebias
Today my daughter Chimamanda made me proud once again, she came home with the big news that she was the winner of the class respectco award (an award given to the most behaved child)
This was not the first time she was winning an award, she has so worn many awards already. But, this was special because she got it on the first day of her second week in a new school, in a new country.
Each time my daughters make me proud, I remember that I had always wanted to give birth to only male children because I didn’t want a girl child that will go through what I experienced as a girl born and bred in the Eastern part of Nigeria, where a girl child is not valued half as much as a boy child. Where I grew up, your value as a girl child was just about your beauty, your wife-material size, how rich your husband is, how supportive you are in building your family economically and your ability to birth sons.
Growing up as a girl in Eastern Nigeria.
I had a terrible time growing up as girl with so much talent and wisdom, yet each time the elders acknowledge my uniqueness, they sigh and say if only she was born a male. I often heard them saying “o nworo onwunwo nwoke, ọ na eme ka nwoke, ọ na echiche ka nwoke” (“she has the attributes of a male”, “she behaves like a man”, “she thinks like a man”)
Imagine how I felt knowing that everything I was gifted by God meant nothing to people in my society because I was born with vagina. At some point I tried to be a Tom boy, but still I was a girl. I knew i didn’t want my daughter(s) to go through all that, so I prayed for boys.
When I was pregnant and went for a routine ultrasound and the doctor told me it was a girl, I refused to believe the doctor’s report, I prayed harder after that, I promised the child to God, “if only my baby will be a boy, I will give him back to you”, I prayed every minute of every day. But, God had a plan and it was much grander than my plan.
So, after 41 weeks of pregnancy I had my daughter, I loved her at first sight. I accepted her, but I was afraid that I have brought a child to suffer like I did. This fear tormented me for a long time, I kept asking God why He gave me a girl, why didn’t my prayer get answered. It was a burden but I never voiced it out loud because everyone kept saying “oh, don’t worry, the next one will be a boy, it’s good you had a girl first so she will help you bring up her sibling”. No one saw the folly of that statement, that the only reason why my daughter was remotely acknowledged was that she is going to play babysitter in the early years of her life, sad, really.
Then I got pregnant again and people expected a boy, I wanted a boy too. I was told the shape of my tummy shows it is a boy, references were thrown around all with a subtle tone to inform me that I was expected to birth a boy. I desperately wanted a boy, I couldn’t imagine being called a mum to more than one daughter in Nigeria – where they will have no inheritance from their father (even when the customary law stipulates otherwise after a daughter contested the unjust law in court); where patriarchy thrives, where their talent will not be recognised, where they will be reminded daily that they have no place in their father’s house by outsiders.
So I went for ultrasound twice and baby crossed legs so I couldn’t get to know the sex until the 36th week. Then I got the result and it was XX. I am yet to find the right words to put how I felt that day into writing but my husband saw how devastated I was and asked me not to mind the result, but even if it was a girl, she is still a gift from God, and we should accept God’s gift with thanksgiving and grateful heart.
You see my husband is a very religious man – he has a religious solution for every problem. But, I was happy that I had no pressure to birth male offspring. But, he has the male privilege which makes him blind to my personal struggles, so he never tried to understand my desire for male children. He didn’t understand my fears. He wasn’t complaining so he didn’t understand why I was stressed and bothered by the gender of my offspring.
But, I know the travails of womanhood. I know the fear of parents that have girls, I know insecurity, I know what it means to be told that you shouldn’t be so smart because you are a girl, I know how it feels when you have leadership quality that everyone acknowledge but you will be given a deputy title because, a girl cannot be the main leader where there are boys and girls in class, in church, in club meetings. Give the boy a figure head, but let the qualified girl deputize and do the real work. It’s exhausting having to navigate through the rigorous maze of growing up to be a woman in Nigeria. But, as I grew and read books, I knew it wasn’t a Nigerian problem. It was a world problem. Every woman in every country has a strong to tell be it India, or Zambawa or US. Women are being marginalised and considered as unequal to men. There are biases, that are still there in every nation.
With this knowledge of the challenges my female offspring may have to go through, I desired a male children because I didn’t want the extra hard work that comes with having to mother girls, protect them, guide them, encourage them and fight people that would try to project the societal stereotypes on them. If, I had a boy, it would be easy and not much work needs to be done. I mean the work didn’t expect boys to be trained anyway – remember the popular phrase society us to let boys off the hook when they do badly. Yeah! Being a mum of boys would have been perfect. I’d be acknowledged by the society for birthing the preferred gender, I’d strengthen my hold in my husband’s house (an Igbo culture) and I will do less parenting and worry less.
But, God had another plan, and even my ernest prayers and buying all blue baby things wasn’t goona change that. So, as I always do when I’m at my wits end, I went back to God to ask him the reason why he gave me daughters.
And that birthed another purpose, who else will God use to bring up star girls that has great potentials if not a woman like me that has passion enough to stand against gender discrimination and inequality.
Some other women experience these but do not feel strongly about it, I felt it and feel strongly about it. I have always been vocal about gender discrimination, but I have never been bold enough to be a public advocate.
My daughters are not ordinary, I know all parents feel their children are special and that’s true. However, my daughters were sent to me because I am the one God has ordained to be their mother to help them achieve their dreams, to guide them in finding their purpose and to protect them from societal contamination that can make them shrink their dreams.
It’s extra work when God makes it explicit to you that this is a work He wants you to do and that you will give account. On days like this, I am grateful to God, that he chose me to be a mother to these girls.
I will not allow my daughters to experience what I experienced. These are a few ways I’ve done that so far
1. They do not experience discrimination in our home (my husband knows how strongly I feel about gender inequality and how I am ready to fight against any form of discrimination or gender inequality at home)
2. I do allow anyone project societal gender bias of any sort to my daughters in our presence.
3. We made sure that we put them in schools where their talents are acknowledged no matter their gender. We know our first has inborn leadership skills and has always been allowed to lead in school once the teacher identfy her skill.
4. We let them be themselves and use their energy – we never tell them girls shouldn’t climb or jump. This has paid off as they got medals in sports at all their school inter House sports.
5. We let them express themselves and their dreams and we acknowledge that their dreams are valid. They can be whatever they want to be, there is no limit to what they can achieve.
6. We discipline them in love and let them know that lasting success starts with having good values like self control, delayed gratification etc
The list goes on, so be free to share with me on the comment what you are doing to make your daughter(s) have a better life experience devoid of discrimination and bias that can limit them achieving purpose in life.
Intentional parenting is not easy but it is rewarding. I’m a proud mum of star girls and as we celebrate #2022 #internationalwomen’sday I will continue to advocate for a world free of bias, discrimination and stereotype. Gradually, we will get there. I hope my daughter will have better experience growing into womanhood with less bias to hold them back.
Together we can break the bias in our communities.
Together we can break the bias in our workplaces.
Together we can break the bias in our schools, colleges and universities.
Together, we can all break the bias – on International Women’s Day (IWD) and beyond.
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