I usually avoid writing on very sensitive topics because most people do not think rationally, especially on matters of tribe and religion. But, I wish to throw more light on this topic as it may help you understand an Igbo woman you may come in contact with. It will also help an Igbo woman who wants to be a better version of herself to make an intentional effort to be more accommodating and less judgemental.
I grew up, lived and schooled in Igbo land. I spent twenty one years of my life living in the Eastern part of Nigeria, so I have enough experince on what it means to grow up in the Easten part of Nigeria. The moment you are born a girl in the Eastern part of Nigeria you are held in high moral regard. Yo have a responsibility to do everything right and be morally upright. Any mistake could mare you for life. You could be ostracized, your mother and sisters may be blamed for a single action that you did that is not societally acceptable. Every step you make is being watched and you will be judged for every little mistake you make, even if they were not intentional.
Imagine growing up trying to do right at all times, keeping the right kind of company, making sure you are versitle and resourceful, being hardworking at all times, making sure to be clean and live by the rules. All you’ve ever experienced in life is acknowlednment of your good deeds and judgement for your bad deed and admonition to do better. You hardly experience love – the type where you don’t have to do something to deserve the love. Believe me, it is not easy growing up as a girl in the Eastern part of Nigeria.
So what do you expect of a woman that grew up in this kind of environment? She has only known judgement, lived most of her life avoiding making mistakes so she will not be judged. Such a person only know to give what she has received from her society. You can’t give what you don’t have, can you?
So what prompted me to write this was a situation I encountered at work, I was in a workplace where most of the Nigerians I do my shift with were Igbos – I was new and I noticed they kept asking, “are you not Igbo, why are you not doing like this?” or “you are meant to know this if you are a true Igbo.” They were continuously trying to question my legitimacy as an Igbo girl. I laughed in my heart because it was a good thing for me in a way. I consciously choose to live with more love and compassion, I choose not to prove I am wise and witty to everyone I met, I sometimes make a play the fool because it is alright to do so sometimes.
You see I married to an Igbo man that I admimire so much because He was different from a typical Igbo man, it took me quite sometime to realize and acknowledge that I admired his carefree lifestyle. It wasn’t a lifestyle I experienced while growing up, but it was something I acknowledged was a good lifestyle I can adopt for myself. I am still a work in progress, but I have grown to be a better woman. I have friends and clients that always told me I don’t behave like a typical Igbo woman.
I was what you’d consider a perfect child growing up – good Christian girl, excellent grades, no boyfriend issues, no bad company, no bad reports, no bad decisions and I never requested for things my parents can’t afford. Generally sensible in all ways. So I was always subconsciously judging people that aren’t like me. But when I moved to the southern part of Nigeria, I realized how chilled they are about life. How they don’t sweat over little thing, how they don’t make a mountain out of a mole. It was a different experience, coupled with my husband’s influence. I had to advise myself unlearn those judgemental traits and be more accommodating.
So when I had colleagues that were judgemental Igbo women, I didn’t feel offended, on the contrattry I saw my former self in them. Unfortunately what most judgemental Igbo women seem not to know is that when you are always judging people you are also judging yourself and putting yourself under pressure to live up to the person you present to the world or start living a double life because you have to be your true self in secret. It is a hard way to live your life and I wish more Igbo women will chose to do better for themselves and for their daughters.
It is good to be perfect (although no one is entirely perfect, but some people are actually close to perfection) and good, but it is much better to be kind and accommodating. Everyone must not be like you or behave like you or make good decision at all times like you or always be sensible like you. I know it is hard to accept this fact but you don’t have to be like someone to accommodate that person without judging or trying to change the person to be like you. You may say ‘oh! but I accept people’, but ask yourself what is your motive when you give unsolicited admonitions, preaching or advice?
Because when you accept someone who is different from you, you are also giving yourself the opportunity to be accepted by someone who is different from you. You are sowing a seed which you will reap in due time. So next time when you are tempted to sit down and judge other for being different from you, remember that you must not be part of the Igbo women who are judgmental at all times, you can be that Igbo woman who accepts that people are different and must not be judged because they are different from us.
Igbo women are strong, resilient, hardworking and ambitious. We can be all these and still be kind. I hope that more Igbo women will refelect on their judgemental attitude, learn, unlearn and relearn in other to be a better version of themselves. We all can do better.
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